Hockey Legislation & Governance is Dead Sexy

Mondays at CF are usually reserved for recalling the countless hours of earth-shattering lovemaking I've had with satisfied human women over the weekend. Today is no different of course. Because like I said, I had countless hours of earth-shattering intercourse with several women. Enough about me though, lets talk about something you and I have in common from this weekend. Not surprisingly, everyone's raving about the new NCAA Hockey rule changes! Just a warning, don't follow that link. I've found more exciting things in John McCain's tax policy than this god-awful 20 minute video. You see what I did there? Because tax policy is generally considered boring. I've still got it!

There are a few solid rule changes when it comes to shift changes and eliminating unnecessary whistles. Staying true to precedent though the NCAA offset the good changes with a ridiculous one:

-A team icing the puck will not be allowed to change skaters.

-If a defensive player knocks the goal over to stop play, that team will not be allowed to change skaters.

-A shot on net caught by a goalie during a delayed-offsides call will not result in a whistle, play continues with the goalie dropping the puck.

-When a defender uses his stick to change the course of an offensive skater, it's a hooking penalty.

Another way of putting that last one would be "everything is now a hooking penalty".

I was going to call this post "NCAA: Hooking No Longer Legal". But seriously, just how low do you think I'll go for a laugh? On an unrelated note, this guy came into my work the other day and asked me how much for extra sausage? I know! I was totally going to go for it, but my boss was right there.

MLB Promotions Are Subtle

You probably didn't notice at first, but look carefully at the Twins May schedule between the 21st & 23rd and you'll see it. I couldn't believe it either, but after a torturous wait the Twins are finally playing Han Solo. And in Texas of all places? Obviously MLB picked the location based on the Texas desert climate and its similarity to that of Tatooine's this time of year. Dammit Bud Selig, just give the game away why don't you?

In related news, I bet you'll never guess when the new Indiana Jones movie comes out. I do though. I figured it out all by myself.

Carlos Gomez will waterboard your ass

Remember when Kevin Garnett took heat for saying game 7 of the Western Conference Semi-Finals against Sacramento was going to be "a war?" Like most, I denounced the statements as deplorable and completely inappropriate. After all, there was a war on! But now that the world is once again at peace thanks to a swift victory over terror, St. Paul Pioneer Press writer Tom Powers couldn't resist such a perfect analogy when talking about Twins outfielder Carlos Gomez.

"Morneau can pop one over the fence at any time. Gomez is like water torture -- drip, drip, dripping the other team to death."

I can't wait to see Powers at the next black tie journalism event that I will no doubt be attending (this time with an invitation). Our conversation will go like this: "Sir Powers you wordsmith! Your torture analogy tickled my funny bone half to death. Wait til the boys at Guantanamo here about this one!" Then we'll both laugh so hard my monocle will fall out and I'll excuse myself to the gentlemen's room.

"WHCA Still A Gentlemen's League"

You'd never guess it from the name, but WesternCollegeHockey.com just so happens to be a great site for information regarding Western College Hockey. That said, they maybe got this headline wrong. Here's a quote from the article not worth reading in the first place:

"The WCHA held their league meeting last week prior to the National Coaches convention in Florida. One of the big issues discussed was the league's gentleman's agreement of not recruiting players that have already made verbal commitments to other schools."

I'm only posting this because the real story here is the "National Coaches Convention" in Florida. The Hooters waitresses aren't gonna know what hit em - 35 toothless, mullet-sporting, middle-aged white guys telling hockey stories and making jokes about the chicken breast. Get it? Breasts? It's funny because the girls show off their boobs and are compensated with currency.

Gopher Hockey All Over

• Jeff Freeze left the Gopher Hockey team in a move that surprised no one.

• The Gophers grabbed recruits Aaron Nash (Minnesota Mr. Hockey) and Goalie Kent Patterson and some dude wrote about it.

• CryFoul's love/hate, train-wreck, somewhat abusive relationship with Inside College Hockey continues as they place Gopher forward Blake Wheeler on the 10 for '09 Hobey Baker list.

[Note: We didn't start the beef with Inside College Hockey, they did with their insistence on neutrality when covering Gopher Hockey. Fall in line!]

Dude likes playing for the Gophers. Kind of.

We're not the kind of website to pick on a dude who recently lost both his parents. And by that I mean we are the type of website to pick on a dude who recently lost both his parents. And in the name of fairness, Crying Foul wouldn't hesitate to pick on a lady in the same situation. After all, Title Nine was like 30 years ago. Apparently everything is wonderful in the land Gopher Football. In this roaring endorsement of Tim Brewster's recruiting ability, complete tool and linebacker Rex Sharpe Jr. explains that he came to the U because he couldn't go anywhere else. Here are the highlights:

"Out of high school, no bragging or patting myself on the back, but I was kind of like 'The Man.' I had offers from almost every SEC school."

[Here's video of what may or may not be Rex being "the man" for his Alabama high school. I have no idea if this is actually him or not, and I don't care either. But I do know this is as good as camera work gets in Alabama.]

But Sharpe didn't go to an SEC school. He went to Arizona Western. He is now transferring to the U and had this to say about it:

"Minnesota kind of like fell on me, and that's why I'm kind of proud."

Let's recap. Tim Brewster is taking on SEC rejects that clearly don't want to be here. Get your seasons tickets now!

Boof is Talented

Twins beat reporter Kelly Theiser is a professional writer, which means she makes her living writing. I'd go as far as to say she writes for several hours on any given day. So following the Twins 2-0 win over Kansas City on Sunday, this was her headline. Are you kidding? Unlike CryingFoul, doesn't MLB have some kind of editing process? Or does Kelly just work a little html and post directly to the site?

Some Afternoon Stuff

According to the U.S. Statistics Bureau, only 44 people outside the state of Kansas picked the Jayhawks to win the National Championship. One of them was your girlfriend who picked them based on the uniforms. The other 43 were kids who thought the KU mascot looked like Toucan Sam.

What else happened this weekend?

• The Twins took 2 of 3 from the Royals before dropping the first of three in Chicago this afternoon. Pat Neshek gave up a grand slam in the 7th to give A.J. and Ozzie the win.

• That sleuth Patrick Reusse finally figured out why fatherless African-Americans with "no food, no money and the electricity about to be cut off" don't get their stories told. (Spoiler: because they suck at basketball)

• Governor Tim Pawlenty repeatedly cited "misplaced priorities" when vetoing $208 million from the 2008 state bonding bill. And thank god too. While some were outraged by the cuts, WesternCollegeHockey came out of the shadows to bravely stand up for the governors approritaely placed priorities.

• Watching the Twins bat this season is like playing that game with my deaf cousin where I hide something and say "Warm. You're getting warmer. Hot! Wait! Turn around. Colder, colder!" For some reason he's really bad at that game.

Oh, and despite what my cat says, I had something in both my eyes during "One Shining Moment" after the basketball game, I never cry.

Because you hate work

I was too busy getting tickets for George Michael's 25Live (or as I call it - 25 sexy) yesterday to post. Pre-sale people. PRE-SALE! Here's a run down of yesterday's what-have-yous.

• The Twins dropped another one while starting pitcher Kevin Slowey left the game in the 4th with a strained bicep. I only study the ladies so I don't know much about the male body, but my roommate's sister went to community college for 3 months, and she says that the bicep is located in the arm. Now stay with me here, if the bicep is in the arm, and the arm is needed for throwing, and throwing is part of pitching, then I'd say this is not a good injury for a pitcher.

• David Beckham did this last night...

...then he did this last night

[I know, it's not Minnesota related, but CyringFoul does cover international soccer, so this is close enough -Ed.]

• The Wild made the playoffs and some people wrote about it. My favorite comment is when the one chick says "!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Then she says "all I have to say." Someone may want to inform her that if, in fact, !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! was all she had to say, she would have just said !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. Oh Snap! I nailed her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  

You may not know it from this site, but there is no bigger fan of Wild hockey than me from May 20th- June 10th in years they make it to the Stanley Cup Finals.

Twins 0 - Angels 1

Despite the loss, what we have pictured here is the Twins reacting to DH Craig Monroe's walk in the eighth after being behind 1-2. True Story. Looking over my notes from the game, I literally described the bottom of the 7th as - "Zzzzz Zzzzz". The other eight innings weren't much different. Not hitting is one thing, but inning after inning of "aggressive" at-bats in which no player is willing to take a pitch, well that's just painful to watch. The Twins did their best to keep the pitch count low for Saunders, who averaged 10 pitches per inning. (UPDATE: Aaron Gleeman agrees about the lack of plate discipline.)

Carlos Gomez will bring many things to this team, but patience at the plate is not one of them. I checked the stats, and over his carrier, Luis Castillo averaged 49.4 pitches per plate appearance (I know, I'm as surprised as you are) when hitting leadoff. As Bert likes to relentlessly point out, part of leadoff duty is seeing as many pitches as possible. Nobody likes to watch guys take strike 3 looking, but seriously, how about taking strike 2? or 1!

Dirty Sock - Nick Blackburn. He worked with great pace and threw strikes all night - two things Ron Gardenhire and I love.

Ron Gardenhire and I also love bowling and beer. And each other.

Wheeler Watch

With a disappointing 2007-2008 Gopher hockey season coming to an end this past weekend in Massachusetts (USCHO's delicately worded headline here), all eyes are now on junior forward Blake Wheeler (insane 2007 Final Five championship goal here). Expectations were high for the 1st round draft pick (Phoenix Coyotes, 5th overall) in an up and down season that saw his production (15 g, 20 a - 35pts) drop from last year (18 g, 20 a - 38pts). But Phoenix is likely not concerned. The 2007-2008 Gopher team was virtually unrecognizable when compared to the high-flying offensive juggernauts [ha.. jugs -ed] of the recent past - meaning Blake was a one-man show for long stretches this year.

According to Hockeysfuture.com, Blake Wheeler sits third on the Coyotes prospect chart behind current Wisconsin freshman Kyle Turris, F (11 g, 24 a - 35 pts) and former Michigan goal-tender Al Montoya. The Phoenix Coyotes are currently tied with Columbus (I didn't know they had a team either) for the 3rd worst record in the Western Conference. What's worse for fans of Blake Wheeler is that only four teams in the NHL scored less goals than the Coyotes this year. As much as I'd love to see #17 in maroon and gold come September, it doesn't look good. Reasons he might stay? Well there's this...

NOTE: If I was Blake Wheeler, I'd wait until the night of the upcoming Frozen Four final in Denver. Then I'd hold a huge press conference outside the stadium just before the opening face-off to announce that I still haven't made up my mind. Then I'd laugh and say "I got you good fuckers!" Then I'd ask everyone if they'd seen Super Troopers and if they knew what joke I was referring. If not, I'd slowly and painfully explain it to them while laughing manically. I'm positive they'd shower me with love and money.

(Photos from NHL/AP, Poon Ten)

Because You Hate Work

• Joshua Taylor Previews the Twins Minor League Affiliates. If you recognize three names that aren't Denard Span, Jason Pridie, Glenn Perkins, Alexi Casilla, or Garret Jones, you're lying. Or you're just cooler than me, which is nearly impossible. (mntwinstalk)

• Aaron Gleeman Makes the case for Jason Kubel. And by case, I mean the intensely crafted airtight legal variety. Warning: post involves math. (Aaron Gleeman)

• Twins pitcher Pat Neshek posted his first entry of the 2008 season after Tennessee busted his bracket. (On the Road Pat Neshek)

Twins 1 - Angels 9

13 pitches and the wheels looked ready to come off. Boof Bonser (0-1, 4.50 e.r.a.) obviously forget that pitches thrown after 7:07p.m. count. Back-to-back r.b.i. doubles in the 1st off balls left over the heart of the plate were all the Angels would need for their first win of the season.

For Twins fans, the loss was not complicated - Garland was great (7 i.p., 5 hits, 1 walk). But the Twins did their best to assure an Angels win as well. Adam Everett's fielding error in the 5th inning was one more than I was hoping to see all season if the young pitching staff is to have success.


Dirty Sock - Everyone in the Metrodome who made it through the 8th and 9th inning alive.

Projected 2008 record: 161-1

(Photo from VivaRivas)

Delmon Young is Boring Now

I'm not saying I want this version of Delmon Young


but anything has to be better than this ESPN Radio Baseball Today podcast featuring Twins left fielder Delmon Young in quite possibly the most boring interview in history. It starts around the 9:30 minute mark with a bit of Twins talk (Bill Smith bashing) after the snoozerview is over.

Peter Pascarelli: "Do you set goals before the season? Do you look at your numbers and say I can do better here and here?"
Delmon Young: "The only number I look to improve is in the win column."

I could have done this interview with a sock puppet and saved ESPN the trouble. We've all made mistakes in our past [Actually, I haven't. Ever. -Editor] that haunt us, but when I heard there was an interview with Delmon Young, I was hoping for something more like "Kirby fucking who? Somebody better start blowin' up a picture of me for that tarp up in right next to the fat fishing guy."

A Match Made in Heaven

(Not pictured: Dignity)

I'm sure you've already seen this, but today's MLB.com Fantasy Home Page has Twins center fielder Carlos Gomez front and center. After last night's breakout debut, Gomez fever has struck unemployed and teenage males the nation over! According to MLB.com's Fantasy 411 Update!:

"He's an intriguing and wildly talented player, and merits consideration in most formats for teams in need of speed."

Hey fantasy players, you know what else is wild and intriguing? Women. And the outdoors.


UPDATE: I found this formula on MLB.com this morning:

• Hitters:(R x 5) + (H x 4) + (HR x 15) + (RBI x 5) + (SB x 15) - AB
• Pitchers: (W x 30) + (SV x 25) + (IP x 5) + (SO x 4) - (H x 3) - (ER x 4) - (BB x 3)

If this formula looks familiar, then congratulations, you live with your parents.

Opening Day! Twins 3 - Angels 2

Tonight's MVP goes to... Bill Smith? Despite a 7 IP, 3 H, 2 R, 8 K win by Santana over the Marlins, the 50,000+ who braved the blizzard and made it to the Dome couldn't help think, Johan who? Time will ultimately tell, but swallowing the Santana departure could beconsiderably easier if Carlos Gomez continues to play like he did tonight. The only thing almost tripping up the 22 year-old center fielder's coronation? His speed. Yes, his speed. Having tied the game in the 5th on three straight singles, a 6-4-3 bases loaded double play that plated Casey Kotchman, and a Chone Figgins (surprise surprise) RBI single, Gomez broke to his left and nearly kept the Angels rally alive by over running a not-so-routine Gary Mathews Jr. fly ball. Gomez himself - along with opening day ESPN marathon viewers and Twins faithful alike - seemed genuinely surprised by how quickly he closed on the ball.

Bill Smith will no doubt rest easy for one night - and rightfully so. After watching his consistent ability to pick up or let go of guys at just the right time (A.J., Jacque Jones, and as much as it hurts to say, Every Day Eddie), I would have walked off a bridge if Terry Ryan said it was the right move for the Twins. That confidence seemed to carry right over to Smith. But I didn't understand the logic of not pulling the trigger with the Yankees or Boston during the winter meetings. We'll have 161 more chances to question that logic, but it becomes difficult to do knowing the Twins are one steal and a Joe Mauer single away from a run every time Gomez is on base.

If the Twins rattle off the unthinkable 100 win season, tonight's win was an irrefutable blueprint - pitch, catch, run (fast), keep the lead. The Twins did just that, the 8th and 9th went according to script and featured Pat Neshek striking out the side and Joe Nathan's slider confusing (among others) Torii Hunter. Delmon Young looked good in his debut while Monroe was confused at best in three plate appearances (0-3, k) But the questions remain: What of the starting pitching? How often can Gomez get on, and how long will Gardy leave him at lead off if he can't?

Dirty Sock - Pat Neshek.
Great eighth inning - Izturis looking, Figgins looking on a 10 pitch at bat, 9 of which were fastballs, Vlad swinging on six straight sliders.

Oh, and this just in, Carlos Gomez is fast.

(Photo by Tom Olmscheid/AP)