Hockey Legislation & Governance is Dead Sexy

Mondays at CF are usually reserved for recalling the countless hours of earth-shattering lovemaking I've had with satisfied human women over the weekend. Today is no different of course. Because like I said, I had countless hours of earth-shattering intercourse with several women. Enough about me though, lets talk about something you and I have in common from this weekend. Not surprisingly, everyone's raving about the new NCAA Hockey rule changes! Just a warning, don't follow that link. I've found more exciting things in John McCain's tax policy than this god-awful 20 minute video. You see what I did there? Because tax policy is generally considered boring. I've still got it!

There are a few solid rule changes when it comes to shift changes and eliminating unnecessary whistles. Staying true to precedent though the NCAA offset the good changes with a ridiculous one:

-A team icing the puck will not be allowed to change skaters.

-If a defensive player knocks the goal over to stop play, that team will not be allowed to change skaters.

-A shot on net caught by a goalie during a delayed-offsides call will not result in a whistle, play continues with the goalie dropping the puck.

-When a defender uses his stick to change the course of an offensive skater, it's a hooking penalty.

Another way of putting that last one would be "everything is now a hooking penalty".

I was going to call this post "NCAA: Hooking No Longer Legal". But seriously, just how low do you think I'll go for a laugh? On an unrelated note, this guy came into my work the other day and asked me how much for extra sausage? I know! I was totally going to go for it, but my boss was right there.

MLB Promotions Are Subtle

You probably didn't notice at first, but look carefully at the Twins May schedule between the 21st & 23rd and you'll see it. I couldn't believe it either, but after a torturous wait the Twins are finally playing Han Solo. And in Texas of all places? Obviously MLB picked the location based on the Texas desert climate and its similarity to that of Tatooine's this time of year. Dammit Bud Selig, just give the game away why don't you?

In related news, I bet you'll never guess when the new Indiana Jones movie comes out. I do though. I figured it out all by myself.

Carlos Gomez will waterboard your ass

Remember when Kevin Garnett took heat for saying game 7 of the Western Conference Semi-Finals against Sacramento was going to be "a war?" Like most, I denounced the statements as deplorable and completely inappropriate. After all, there was a war on! But now that the world is once again at peace thanks to a swift victory over terror, St. Paul Pioneer Press writer Tom Powers couldn't resist such a perfect analogy when talking about Twins outfielder Carlos Gomez.

"Morneau can pop one over the fence at any time. Gomez is like water torture -- drip, drip, dripping the other team to death."

I can't wait to see Powers at the next black tie journalism event that I will no doubt be attending (this time with an invitation). Our conversation will go like this: "Sir Powers you wordsmith! Your torture analogy tickled my funny bone half to death. Wait til the boys at Guantanamo here about this one!" Then we'll both laugh so hard my monocle will fall out and I'll excuse myself to the gentlemen's room.

"WHCA Still A Gentlemen's League"

You'd never guess it from the name, but WesternCollegeHockey.com just so happens to be a great site for information regarding Western College Hockey. That said, they maybe got this headline wrong. Here's a quote from the article not worth reading in the first place:

"The WCHA held their league meeting last week prior to the National Coaches convention in Florida. One of the big issues discussed was the league's gentleman's agreement of not recruiting players that have already made verbal commitments to other schools."

I'm only posting this because the real story here is the "National Coaches Convention" in Florida. The Hooters waitresses aren't gonna know what hit em - 35 toothless, mullet-sporting, middle-aged white guys telling hockey stories and making jokes about the chicken breast. Get it? Breasts? It's funny because the girls show off their boobs and are compensated with currency.

Gopher Hockey All Over

• Jeff Freeze left the Gopher Hockey team in a move that surprised no one.

• The Gophers grabbed recruits Aaron Nash (Minnesota Mr. Hockey) and Goalie Kent Patterson and some dude wrote about it.

• CryFoul's love/hate, train-wreck, somewhat abusive relationship with Inside College Hockey continues as they place Gopher forward Blake Wheeler on the 10 for '09 Hobey Baker list.

[Note: We didn't start the beef with Inside College Hockey, they did with their insistence on neutrality when covering Gopher Hockey. Fall in line!]

Dude likes playing for the Gophers. Kind of.

We're not the kind of website to pick on a dude who recently lost both his parents. And by that I mean we are the type of website to pick on a dude who recently lost both his parents. And in the name of fairness, Crying Foul wouldn't hesitate to pick on a lady in the same situation. After all, Title Nine was like 30 years ago. Apparently everything is wonderful in the land Gopher Football. In this roaring endorsement of Tim Brewster's recruiting ability, complete tool and linebacker Rex Sharpe Jr. explains that he came to the U because he couldn't go anywhere else. Here are the highlights:

"Out of high school, no bragging or patting myself on the back, but I was kind of like 'The Man.' I had offers from almost every SEC school."

[Here's video of what may or may not be Rex being "the man" for his Alabama high school. I have no idea if this is actually him or not, and I don't care either. But I do know this is as good as camera work gets in Alabama.]

But Sharpe didn't go to an SEC school. He went to Arizona Western. He is now transferring to the U and had this to say about it:

"Minnesota kind of like fell on me, and that's why I'm kind of proud."

Let's recap. Tim Brewster is taking on SEC rejects that clearly don't want to be here. Get your seasons tickets now!

Boof is Talented

Twins beat reporter Kelly Theiser is a professional writer, which means she makes her living writing. I'd go as far as to say she writes for several hours on any given day. So following the Twins 2-0 win over Kansas City on Sunday, this was her headline. Are you kidding? Unlike CryingFoul, doesn't MLB have some kind of editing process? Or does Kelly just work a little html and post directly to the site?